there's a room where the light won't find you

a few days ago, i totally splurged on magazines, which are very expensive here (R$7-20, 30+ for revistas norteamericanas). i bought the magazine raça, which is brasil's essence, mais ou menos. i also bought the first two issues (outubro e novembro) of piauí, which is this new yorker-esq revista that just recently started being published. it is so much like the new yorker, in fact, that one of the stories in it was one that i had read in english in the new yorker earlier this year. unlike the new yorker, however, piauí has horoscopes.
this month's virgo horoscope (by chantecler) was pretty much the truest horoscope i have ever read for myself:
O virginiano, frio, seco e melancólico, é antes de tudo um perfeccionista. Neste mês, você será seriamente afetado pelas impurezas do mundo e de sua própria personalidade. Só vejo uma forma de evitar sofrimentos insuportáveis: não saia de casa sob nenhum pretexto. Não fale com estranhos nem com amigos e familiares, ainda que coabite com eles. Não pense em nada, senão no vazio. Não opte pela sonoterapia, o que seria uma atitude covarde de fugir de você mesmo e do mundo.

"virgo, cold, dry, and melancholy, is above all a perfectionist. this month, you will be seriously affected by the impurities of the world and your own personality. i only see one form of avoiding unbearable suffering: do not leave the house for any reason. do not talk to strangers nor with friends or family, even if you live with them. don't think about anything, rather, think of emptiness [in a manner of speaking]. don't opt for sleep-thearpy; it would only be a cowardly attitude of running away from yourself and the world."
[translation mine]

which would give you a small hint as to my emotional state of being the past few weeks. i have spoken with roommates and strangers, and perhaps i should have locked myself in my pale, blank room because my moodiness has brought down the morale in the apartment, apparently. saddd. i feel kind of like i did at the end of high school, where i feel like it's too late to accomplish anything or fix my mistakes, that i'm wasting and/or biding time until the next big thing. i know i can turn this around, but it's hard. i'm a mess on the inside. (oh, angst!) this is not a new thing -- i'm definitely just as ridiculous with my emotional behavior at school and at home. it's just that the people here don't know me (don't know how to love me) like the people at home do, and it's even worse. i'm trying to work through this.

anways, in an attempt to improve my attitude and circumstances (my isp is kind of weak at the moment, to say the least), i will make a list of things i want to do before i leave salvador. things i will do, okay?

- interview like crazy for isp
- find a creative solution for all those hours i don't think i can fill (for isp)
- hang out in the gay strip a few times
- go to a different beach than the one across the street
- send more emails/postcards/letters
- spend nice time with the companher@s do quarto to make up for my moodiness, i guess
- go out dancing
- get my hair braided
- pre-register for next sem
- thanksgiving (?!?)

speaking of which, i definitely want to take:
- intro to vid production @ pitzer with a. juhasz T 1:15p-4
- black women feminisms and social change with pj. jackson TH 1:15p-4
- kickboxing OR african-based modern (or whatever kim is calling it now) OR weight training OR something else to keep me active

sadly, i cannot find the portuguese for spanish speakers class (or any portuguese class). i plan on doing the español and português mesas de lingua like crazy. maybe convo classes too. there's a bunch of other media studies/ art history-esq classes i'm thinking about, depending on what i need for the major. i'm still trying to figure out why i'm not at least an art history minor, if not major (aside from time). i have ideas for next year too, but we're not there yet.

the silver lining of the past few days:
what's really good* is that i've been able to read and enjoy quite a bit of both issues of piauí (which is all in português). if nothing else, i'm proud of myself for that**.

ok. chin up, young person. and i can and i will.

* = slang i've picked up from my roommates
** = in terms of my abilities with portuguese, this pride only applies to reading comprehension and not much else, but we're trying to stay positive here.


ps. how the hell do you all put up with me and my ridiculous moods? and i love you for it.